The Grey World
by RowanLeeves
Summary: This is a one shot, though not very short. Love subject is... yours to discover :D Hope you guys enjoy.


****I own only Nissan and an incredibly love for love stories and good endings (doesn't mean I don't make my characters suffer though mouahahahahahahaha…. Hehem,,,,) Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment.****

**The Grey World**

"What now…" I sighed in an attempt to make sense of my unfocused mind. Everything around me vibrated in an amazingly disturbing quietness and neutral shades of grey. Guards made their rounds down the streets and between illuminated houses, carrying their weapons and polished armors with pride. After the little intrusion in their world, all was finally back to normal and nearly nothing had changed.

I stepped down the huge chair from the balcony and stretched to release my aching muscles from the uncomfortable pose I had taken for too long. With the entire King of Shadow and Betrayer events I wasn't used to be at peace for such a long moment. But "moment" was a word without much meaning anymore.

The room, or should I say, "dome quarters" I was brought to, were mine. It was the liveliest place I saw after stepping here, decorated with those flowers and plants I preferred most. All of my personal effects that should have been lost were carefully deposed on a desk, which was also huge.

"Being the shortest moon elf never affected me till now." I grimaced after looking at the bed and realizing it had enough space for at least seven like me. The bed sheets and covers were breathtaking though, and I slid my fingers on them slowly, careful to feel the soft silky fabric while marveling at their violet tint. Sadly, I wasn't tired to sleep.

The largest and most impressive furniture was the bookcase, which was constituted by three separate shelves of different sizes. The first one, placed between the bedside table and desk, held every book I had read or intended to. It was small compared to the second and third one, so I hurriedly moved to see the titles they displayed. I noticed the books were sorted by type, from history and magic to modern literature and cooking manuals. At the far end of the last and largest shelf were three huge and nameless tomes. I promised myself to check on them later and continued studying my suite.

I found all of my favorite clothes and some of my weapons in the wardrobe, along with other clothing and armory I didn't recognize. I guessed he wanted me to feel home.

But I didn't really need all those things though I was happy to have them again. For me, _home_ meant a being rather than a place. "_He_ means home." I mumbled while addressing a frown to my own silliness.

My gaze fell on the mushy carpet that covered the floor, and I realized it was pleasant under my bare feet. I took some steps back and forth to focus on the feeling and occupy my thoughts. This was something Grobnar taught me.

"Me? When I think too much and it hurts my head, I simply do something I enjoy and put all my attention to it. Like humming my favorite songs, sniffing flowers or even cooking. Do you know from whom I learned cooking? Probably not. It began…" The gnome had spoken for another ten minutes without stopping. I was glad for I didn't need to use his trick and only listened to him. It worked and I learned some recipes while I was at it.

The walls were of the same indigo color as the carpet and matched well with the silvery-marble furniture. Most of the plants hung from the ceiling while others were rooted in artistically decorated urns. The one on the balcony held a young orange tree surrounded by yellow lantanas. I blushed at the thought it was probably the brightest spot in the entire city, thus, attracting attention.

Next to the right bedside table was the door to the bath chamber. I had initially visited it in order to wash and cool my edgy nerves down. The tub was also too large, but I was glad I could hide entirely under the bubblish water, which I did till my lungs screamed for air. I really wondered why I still needed to breathe.

From the tap flew water that followed whatever my thoughts were demanding. I just needed to think, and the intensity of the flow or temperature would change immediately. It had taken me some minutes to get used t it.

I stepped back in the room again and went for the desk. The items on it were divided in two; on my right were my personal effects, like tooth stick, quill and ink, charcoals and rice papers, and even my favorite small mirror. All of those were supposed to be at the keep.

My lips shaped into a sad smile and I looked at the objects on my left. I quickly became aware they were things from my early childhood till teenage years. Most of them should have been lost or destroyed during the West Harbor attack and I was too stunned to touch them immediately – I needed time.

I decided to return on my huge chair at the balcony and gaze outside. It felt like an untroubling déja-vu since there was no obvious day or night. Some of the houses' lights were turned off though, which enhanced the already too existing grayness.

I dropped my head on my palms with a sigh and closed my eyes. The first images that came to me were those of my foster father. Daeghun was probably looking for me, but he would eventually stop, when his instincts would make him realize where I had gone.

Daeghun was naturally the first to witness my strange feelings and state of mind. When I was a child, he didn't really understand what I was doing and thought it was a mere game that would eventually fade, but he clearly saw through it with the passing years. I hoped he wouldn't be too hurt by my absence and addressed his goddess politely to guide him.

It was boring to look at the same thing, so I turned my intention on the orange tree. Its branches and leafs were gracefully swung by the breeze, dispersing the fresh citrus scent in a large radius. I touched it, but didn't pick any of its fruits – it was too beautiful to be disturbed.

I noticed only a few lighten houses remained and the sky was darker, yet the same as before. "Perhaps the population needs a normal flow of life…" I thought aloud and then jumped from the chair and back in the room. It was time to wander the streets.

I opened the wardrobe and took my thin obsidian armor, gloves, and boots. Once dressed, I inserted my sheath's straps in their respective place on my armor and turned my attention on the weapons, instantly spotting Gith's blade.

"Yes, I've become very fond of you." I whispered to it while reaching slowly with my fingers. As soon as they brushed against the cold mithril moon shaped pommel I felt relief. "But I won't be using you for now." I addressed it again as if it could hear me and slid my bastard sword in the scabbard at my back.

I went for the balcony with resolution. It was too high to jump, but I could climb down easily thanks to the complex architecture of the structure. "No way I'm using the door!" I shivered, considering it appeared to me more as a small gate than a door. Truth was, I didn't want to walk the corridors and halls of the tower because I was scared to come across him. It was a ridiculous decision since I wanted only to be with him. "Maybe I need to get used to the territory first…" I told myself and stepped over the balusters carefully.

My feet and hands found heir way swiftly on the construction while my body followed the required movements to keep a perfect grip. There were a lot of balconies and windowsills, so I arrived two floors below mine in no time. "Three more down." I said aloud as I calculated my next step. Living in the swamps and forests proved useful once again.

The flapping of heavy wings caught my attention and I stopped my descent at once next to the closest window. Luckily it was open and its waving curtains hid my presence from the flying being. I looked carefully over the golden fabric and saw the angel pass its way one level over my head. Once it was out of sight, I continued and reached my destination with a little bounce.

"Free at last!" I murmured with excitement. I hadn't been boundless of quests and targeted destinations for so long, that just being able to take a walk without knowing where I was headed made me feel alive.

I bypassed the two gate guards without them noticing my presence and gained the nearby street at once. I wasn't sure if I was supposed, or even aloud to wander around like that, and decided to keep it quiet and unseen by the patrols.

As expected, two of them were turning the corner exactly when I stepped behind a massive light post. I bent under its primary stone base and waited till they disappeared. "Three to zero for my shortness." I chuckled and continued onward.

The residences were impressive, though small and humble compared to the central tower. Despite their rounded roofs and arch shaped doors, their structural design resembled Neverwinter's a lot. "The décor really lacks of nature…" I mumbled when I realized there was not much greenness around aside from the few leafless trees and grass between the pavements.

The city was decorated with many statues of different deities and fountains stood imposingly at each intersection of pathways. Their water was crystal clear and inviting for the senses, but I decided against approaching it for fear to be seen.

One or two guards mostly made the rounds, but I sometimes saw them patrolling in groups of four.

"They're everywhere!" I cussed at one moment, stepping quickly in a small back alley to avoid another one. It seemed quiet enough so I continued through to see where it lead. I was beginning to feel thirsty, but drinking from the fountains was out of questions, and I only had healing potions in my pouch.

I continued walking through the alley, noticing dim lights coming from the back of some houses. The more I walked, the more depressed I got. "It's too gloomy." I sighed, but didn't have more time to rant as I heard sobs coming from behind another statue. I advanced without hesitation and found a little human boy no older than two years old.

"What's the matter pumpkin?" I bent and smiled to give him some comfort. At first the child looked at me fearfully, then he quickly gripped my arms and hid his face in my chest.

"Where's mommy?" His cry came muffled, but a guard was already approaching.

"I don't know pumpkin. Don't worry." I stroked his soft blond hair and took him in my arms. I faked not seeing the guard and made my way slowly towards the opposite way. "Everything is going to be fine." I whispered. The boy probably didn't know he was dead, yet I wasn't sure of it myself. He was so soft and warm.

"Have you heard of the gods?" I asked him while speeding up.

"Who?" He sniffed and looked at me with wide eyes.

"The gods pumpkin." I smiled. "They are great beings who watches over us during our mortal life."

"Moral?" He sniffed more, but at least his tears had stopped.

"Yes. They watch over us, and when we… leave our world, we are welcomed in the house of the god we used to… like most." I tried to make it sound easy.

"But mommy said only the lord sunrise watches over us." He pouted.

"Ahh, nothing to be afraid of then." I said with relief. "Lord Sunrise is called Lathander, and he will… take care of you."

"But where's mommy?" His eyes became wet again and his little body trembled against mine. I didn't have time to answer.

"Lady Nissan." The guard surprised me by using my name. "Please leave the child to me."

I turned slowly and looked at him, clutching to the boy firmly. "And what will you do with him?"

"It is our duty to make sure everyone is taken care of." He answered with tight jaw and an obvious annoyed expression. He didn't seem willing to start an argument with me though, for he kept a fair distance between us.

"I will take care of hi…"

"We already know where his soul is going." He cut me short.

It was my turn to look irritated and grind my teeth. Two other guards arrived from behind and I wondered what would happen if it ended up in a fight. "Listen paladin," I hissed, "the child is no faithless, so I suggest you take your shiny boots and leave at once."

"Please lady Nissan," came from the one on my left, "we really do not wish to quarrel with you. Let us do our job."

"No!" I placed my free hand on my sword's hilt. "I _will_ keep him till Lathander's messenger comes."

Two of them stepped back unwillingly, but the one to my right smirked. "You're not going to lose your new title over a kid are you?"

I shifted uneasily, unaware of receiving any title lately, even if it didn't matter. "Watch me." I growled and eyed him with defiance. At least the boy was quiet in my arms, to which I mentally smiled – some children were more sensible and knew when to keep silent. He was still trembling, his little hands gripping my violet hair tightly.

More of them gathered around while the tension between the paladin and me grew. I maybe had a chance against them alone, but not with the kid. I refused to let him go though, and soon the crowd split in two with those against me and the ones who stood neutral.

"Don't you think you already brought enough trouble here?" One of them spat. He was completely hidden under his armor and mask, greedily keeping any sign of his humanity for himself.

I drew my sword completely, ready to throw myself for a cause yet again. He was about to advance on us, his hammer gripped tightly, when a bright light shone over our heads and we both looked at the flying being.

With his bright red hair and shiny transparent wings, he was nothing like the colorless Angels I had seen in the grey world. He tossed a rebellious lock of hair aside and grinned. "How about going home Narian?"

The little boy in my arms raised his head with eyes full of hope and smiled back at the Angel. I eagerly let him go and they soon disappeared in a swirl of sparkles.

"Happy now, miss salvation?" The talking armor barked. He put his weapon back in its place, and I followed the example though we were both on our guards. I easily imagined the infuriated features under his mask and suppressed a chuckle while calculating my next move.

Planning my fleeing proved futile. "Ver… ry happy." I finished my sentence in a whisper as I turned and met Kelemvor's black robe from up-close. He was definitely the hugest add-on to his already considerable world. I barely arrived at his belt and had to raise my head in order to look at him, but my body froze exactly like earlier, leaving me still as a statue.

"Return to your duties Omael." He ordered the paladin. "I alone will deal with her."

My eyes widened as the only reaction I could make towards his comment. I heard the paladins leave, one by one resuming their watch, till there was no other sound around than the flapping of his cape and my hair. I waited for him to say something or even scold me, but he simply left after a while without addressing me the smallest amount of breath.

I was perfectly aware his gesture should have eased me, yet I got angry at his silence. "No you can't be angry. Silly!" I groaned and headed back for the tower with low shoulders. I didn't regret my actions for a second and knew I would do it over again if the opportunity presented itself. I just feared it would drain the patience out of him.

Since my attempt to be unnoticed had failed, I took the main entrance on my way back. The two guards saluted me without commenting, to which I replied with a small nod. The corridors were deaf and empty ahead, and I arrived to my quarters without crossing other people's path.

I closed the door behind me with a pout, wondering what would happen next and frowning at my growling stomach. "You can't seriously be hungry?" I poked it two or three times, only to receive the same protesting sound. "Maybe there's food in there…" I looked at the backpack on my bed and went to open it with hope, emptying all of its contents on the comfortable covers.

The first and most important thing that came out was my drawing book. I put it carefully aside, feeling my heart twitch uneasily. "What _is_ your problem?" I groaned. "This is what you wanted!"

Then fell my hairbrush, medic kits, herb pots and other useless things I had gathered during my last travels, but nothing to eat. I tossed everything back in, apart from the book, and laid on the side with worry. "I'm not really supposed to be hungry." I repeated to myself. "Or breathing…"

A soft knock made me jump and I quickly hid my book under one of the numerous pillows. I approached the door and opened it slowly, sensing the presence behind it meant a lot to me.

"May I?" He asked.

I merely nodded and moved to the side to leave free passage. He needed to bend before entering, but the roof was thankfully much higher than the small gate. I managed too look at his expressionless face, wondering if I was in trouble.

"It's normal for you to be hungry. You are not dead." He said and opened his hand before me. In it instantly appeared a plate with bread, fruits, cheese, as well as a glass of water. He definitely knew what I preferred to eat, and that I was a vegetarian.

"Thanks." I murmured and took the plate, still looking at his face. "Will I grow old and… die… or something?"

"No." He said while pointing the bed.

I took place on it with the plate and watched as he seized the three untitled tomes and came next to me. "You're growth stopped the moment you decided to stay here." He explained. "You can continue breathing or eating… and whatever mortal trait you wish to keep. Or if you prefer, you can gradually let go of them. It's a simple state of mind."

"Hunh huh." I nodded unsure. My hands toyed with a grape, but I couldn't get my self to eat. It was too awkward to do it since he wasn't accompanying me.

"I don't eat Nissan."

"Right." I said and looked at my food at once. I wrapped a piece of cheese with some bread and was about to taste it, when another question hit me. "If I don't eat… I won't need to… use the…" I looked at the bath chamber.

"Naturally. It doesn't really matter, so just eat if you feel like it."

"Right." I took a small bite, careful to chew as soundlessly as possible. I almost choked when he sat behind me and began playing with my hair.

"You're putting your own limits." He said.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled.

"Don't be. It's your battle. I can only answer your questions, _providing_ you actually ask them."

"I will."

"You need time?" He asked, still playing with my hair. My entire body shivered each time his fingers would pass close to my ears, and I couldn't prevent myself from thinking what reaction it would have made if he weren't wearing gloves. I wanted to lean closer against him, to let go of everything and just _be_ with him.

"I think so." I replied fast, remembering he was probably constantly reading my mind.

"You have no idea." He said with a faint trace of amusement in his voice. "I could do it forever if you wish, but it would be fair if we spoke since you cannot read mine."

"Right… you hear everything?" I asked.

"Yes."

"And it's never… too much?"

He sighed and brought me closer to him with one arm, while the other one made the plate disappear. I found myself almost lying on his chest, trapped between his arms and legs. "Everyone has the right to think and dream about what they want, including you. Your problem is that you don't understand that, and think you shouldn't be thinking of what you _are_ thinking. You also believe you are not worthy, but really, have I ever rejected you?" He asked.

"No." I said without doubt.

"Then you should stop being scared of it." He took the first tome and gave it to me. The moment my hands touched it, a title appeared in the middle.

"The book of youth." I read aloud and opened at the first page. I was surprised to see a replica of me as a child on it.

"This book relates the first part of your life." He said.

I turned the page and saw an elven woman and man together. She was kissing him and playing with his long violet curls while he stroked her round belly. The drawings were animated and perfect, as if they were real. "Wow." I heard myself.

"It's a life record. You will see and hear everything in motion. Those are your parents Esmerelle and Zalanir."

"Who did they worship?" I immediately asked, scared to learn one of them was faithless.

"They both served Oghma."

"Oh… ok." I said with relief and continued browsing the captivating tome. There was a little story on each page, from my mother's life with her husband and me, to the first West Harbor attack and her death. My first years with Daeghun, of which I didn't have any memory, weren't very happy for the grieving elf. He was taking care of me well though, and I thanked him mentally for it.

Then I finally saw something I remembered. The first word I ever spoke…

*******

With the lack of imagination and will to relate his own adventuring days, Daeghun, my foster father, used to read me parts of his history books as bedtime stories. One day, after he had used all of them, he brought the manuscript of the gods and read a random chapter.

"…And so, by the wish of all dead spirits and Denizens in the Gray Wastes, Kelemvor became the new God of Death. And you should really sleep now Nissan." He closed the manuscript.

"Kemevor."

The elf looked at me with surprise, and then smiled. It was one of the rare times I had seen his lips perform this act. "Ke-le-m-vor." He corrected me.

"Kel-vel-mlor?"

"No child. Ke-le-mmm-vor."

"Kelme… Kelev… Kelemvor."

"Yes."

"Kelemvor."

"I guess you found your call. Sleep tight now." He blew the candle and left.

I spent the next days, months and years learning to read and reading every book in his house, but mostly the one about the gods. Kelemvor fascinated me so much, that I began sketching him and writing everything I learned in my own personal notebook. The more I aged, the stronger my loyalty to him grew.

The first time he visited my dreams happened when I was around six of human age. I was benched on our house' roof, looking at the sunshine and laughing at it when he appeared next to me. The décor around instantly became grayish, but it didn't matter. I gave him my brightest smile because I recognized him.

"You're a happy little soul. Don't worry, I'll walk with you during your journey." He said.

I didn't understand what he meant at that moment, but it was enough to know he wanted me. "Will I be your paladin?"

"No. You're better at being quiet and unnoticed, though I will grant you some divine assistance. You will need it."

"Ok. Why do you wear a mask?" My little hands slid on its smooth surface.

"So I can hide my human traits." He replied, still bending over so I could reach him. His huge form hid entirely the sunshine and left only the natural neutrality he emanated. It didn't trouble me.

"Why?"

"To be a better god."

"How does it make you a better god?" I asked innocently.

"There is nothing human in being a god, so I decided to get rid of my ancient self to leave place for the new one and make better judgments."

"But I can't see your eyes." I pouted while tracing the closed painted eyes of his mask

"Why is it important?"

"They cannot lie. When father is sad, he is colder than usual, but his eyes can tell a looong story. I want to draw yours. What color are they?"

"I don't remember. Chose the color you like."

"Orange!" I exclaimed. "And your hair?"

"So many questions." He sighed. "If it's for your love of art then, they were… black."

"Can I draw you?"

"You already do."

"You don't mind?"

"No." He stroked my hair. The dream dissolved and I woke up under, instead of on my bed.

Almost everyday I would go to some quiet place and draw him the way he was in my imagination and dream world. The little pictures were bad at first, but with time and practice, they began looking acceptable.

Daeghun looked worried at times, but never commented negatively or discouraged me in any way. At times, he would even bring me new feathers and quills, knowing I abused them rather quickly.

By the time I was a teenager Kelemvor visited my dreams often, either as a panther, human with black hair and orange eyes, or masked god. He regularly repeated that I shouldn't be scared of whatever would happen, that he would guide and help me. I couldn't imagine he was warning me of the events to come and lived only for those nights. I cared for my life only because he was part of it, but also secretly wished to die soon. Nothing mattered but him.

*******

I closed the book, feeling more embarrassed than earlier. He didn't make any comments and simply gave me the second one. Once again a title appeared when I touched it.

"The book of Shadow." I frowned.

The second West Harbor attack, the shard, Khelgar, Neeshka, Elanee, Neverwinter… everything was there to the slightest detail. I looked at it with sorrow, wondering where my friends had gone.

I saw myself entering the Sunken Flagon one sunny afternoon after visiting Deekin's shop…

*******

All of my companions were chilling at the flagon, taking some time off after the trial. Bishop was playing cards with Qara while Khelgar and Neeshka fought over alcohol and vulgar exchange of words. Elanee, Shandra and Duncan were listening intently to Grobnar while Casavir and Sand were shifting uncomfortably at the gnome's babblings.

"Nissan." The wizard called with hope and rose from his chair along with Casavir. "Did you buy that book from the kobold?"

"Yes I have it right here." I walked towards them while digging with difficulty in my over-encumbered bag. Unsurprisingly, one of the handles tore and everything it contained tumbled ungracefully on the floor, including my drawing notebook and every piece of flying paper it contained.

"Really girl, a fortune your lack of elegance doesn't show in combat, or we would all most probably be dead thanks to you by now." Sand let out in a sigh.

I rushed to gather my drawings first, unwilling to share them, but it was too late. Neeshka had already snatched two of them and was making funny faces. Everyone gathered to take a look.

"Wow Niss, I suspected you were an artist, but not that!" The tiefling exclaimed. "Who's this guy anyway? He's on each one of them!"

"Not…" I tried to take them back, only to be interrupted by the paladin.

"Isn't that… Kelemvor?" Casavir asked, and then answered his own question. "Yes I recognize the description, though it looks quite colorful. Not very death god-like."

"Aaww so this is what you're mumbling about at night." Neeshka let out. "What's with the obsession? I hope you're not turning into a paladin… no offense meant." She added for Casavir. "I just wouldn't be able to stand another one like you."

"This is beautiful." Elanee said after gathering one of my drawings.

"Kelemvor?" Bishop grimaced. "I thought I smelled a suicidal trait in your personality. You're a lost case."

"Enough." I hissed and put everything back where it should have stayed. "Your novel." I handed the book to Sand and left for my room without saying another word. Thankfully, no one tried to stop or talk me out, probably because they thought I was exhausted and needed sleep.

I dropped my useless bag on the small table and sat on the bed, rubbing my temples and feeling unsure if my obsession with him was private or not. Sharing my art without approval bothered and upset me, for it exposed my most intimate thoughts. The drawings had nothing embarrassing about them, but the simple fact they were only of Kelemvor, either masked or not, was enough to unveil my feelings. A word that is worth thousand images…

To my horror, the dreams stopped after that moment. My nights were empty, and so was my heart and soul. I wasn't able to connect to him, perform any healing or draw. By the end of the month it lasted, I was completely depressed, frustrated and scared he had forsaken me.

I hid in the keep's wine storeroom one day. It was the only place where I could stay alone for some time without being found and bothered by anyone. I cried under one of the barrels, wondering where I had gone wrong and what I could do to arrange the situation. My entire life was senseless without him, even though he wasn't exactly living it with me.

"Should have died during that stupid trial!" I let out angrily, wiping uselessly my tears. "Should have let Lorn win… King of Shadows can go to freaking hell!"

A single tear fell between my bodice and tunic till it landed right on my scar, where my heart was.

"Maybe it's not that profound." I said mind-absently as my hand reached hesitantly for my magic pouch. I opened it with trembling fingers and chose the sharpest of the five shards I had collected. The tickle erupted promptly when I slid its pointy edge against my skin, and even faster when it got on the same level as the little piece inside of me. "I have no reason to exist if you don't want me." I heard myself whisper. My hands were no longer trembling when I plunged it firmly through my flesh.

Blood and pain rose in the same time with a loud buzzing in my ears, forcing me to drop on all fours with the shard sticking out of my chest. I bit hard at my lower lip, keeping quiet and still so no one would be alarmed and would come for me. My body became lose at the sudden emptiness that enveloped it while everything around spun frantically and my hands slipped on something warm and sticky. I knew I was falling facing the ground and that the shard would thrust my heart completely, finishing me for good. "I'm… sorry…" I muttered before finally letting go.

It went in slow motion, even the pain. I saw the red wood from up-close and felt the first impact of its collision with the sticking piece in me, when I was pushed roughly on the side before fatality would claim my soul. My body finally fell on its back and my head hit the side of the wooden shelf, dazing me more.

Blood covered my upper body while my unfocused senses felt something large and soft pressing on my shoulders with the same roughness I was driven seconds ago. Along with the buzz in my head came a loud groan, forcing me to open my eyes despite their heaviness.

"Kitty…" I whispered to the huge panther's head that stood hairs from my face. His two paws were gripping my shoulders firmly, so I could only stroke the fur of his middle body with my feeble hand. "Why did you left me…" I cried.

His hissing increased and I merely had enough time to glimpse and see his teeth grab the shard before pulling it out in a flash. My entire body jolted while his paw pushed on my throat so I wouldn't scream. He gradually gained his human form, looking gravely at me, as he had never done before. Eyes never lied.

"Time is on hold, or you would be already dead." He said and took his hand away so I could breath. I moaned and filled my lungs with air, feeling harshly the damage I had done to myself. "Now, before your mind wonders to other dangerous places it creates by its own, and since you need to hear it so much, let me tell you I had never once left you. _You_ closed the connection, because you fear you're being silly and unreasonable. You closed the connection because you _doubt_, not in me, but in the importance you have for me. I can't reach you within when you do that." He slid his hand under my head and stroked my cheek.

"I'm sorry…" I whispered, unable to talk normally.

"I know." He slowly leaned my body against his chest and placed his right hand on my bleeding wound. "Nissan, you can always choose to come now if that is what you really want. I won't push you away, I won't be mad at you; I won't blame you or think you're irresponsible. Others will be able to handle the crisis down here; you're not the first, nor the last hero walking on Faerun."

"Yes but… I want to be _your_ hero…"

"By committing suicide?" He chuckled. I immediately responded to his reaction with a tiny smile. It was the first time he showed so many human traits. "You're more than that. Now, tell me; are you coming with me? Or would you rather face your mortal destiny first?"

"I want to be worthy of you."

"I've never made such a demand." He frowned.

"I know…"

"You're comparing my mortal deeds with yours." He understood, and then sighed. "Nissan, stop searching for what you already have. And make up your mind."

I looked at him for a moment, telling myself I was lucky he was so easy going with my impossible behavior. "It would be really low to abandon my team, and all those who count on me…" I whispered with shame. "I should have thought about it earlier…"

"It's your call."

"You won't go away?"

"No." He promised. "What about you? Will _you_ go away?"

"No!" I manage to say aloud with protest, wondering how he could even think I would turn my back on him.

"Yet here you are, having those exact thoughts about me." His look became grave again, but without accusation. I lowered my gaze, understanding how he felt. "Are you staying?"

"Yes. Can't wait to die for real though…"

"So eager." He shook his head. I felt something warmer than the blood forming around my wound, and saw soft light coming out of his palm. "Just don't rush it like today."

"I won't." I said. "But I can't stop being careless during fights."

"That's acceptable, though silly. I understand. If you were really trying to resemble my human self, rest assured, you've not only succeeded – you've surpassed me."

I chuckled till it hit me this was the first time I saw him outside a dream. It didn't matter in which world it happened, for as long as he was there. His hand slid down my face once again before he began fading gradually.

"I'll visit you soon." He said.

"Please."

His eyes closed as he nodded and he regained his masked form before fading completely. I came back to my senses, sitting up and reaching for my chest. My clothes were tore and scattered with blood, but there was no wound except for the usual scar that already ornate my chest. The shard was on the floor, split in two with traces of feline teeth and covered in red as well. I wiped it with a piece of clean tunic and placed it back in my pouch before getting up. The room spun and I had to grip some of the barrels for support.

"You really are the most messy and troublesome adventurer I had seen during my long elven years." I jumped at Sand's voice. He was looking reproachfully at me through the door. "So what happened girl? Tried to kill yourself? I should say; if you weren't up, it would look like you succeeded."

"I'm fine Sand. Just an astral experience."

"Fascinating, Knight Captain, really. And here we are ruled by a mad woman." He approached and took me swiftly in his arms, surprising me by this sudden show of physical strength. "I'll bring you to your quarters, _after_ casting invisibility on both of us." He shook his head and proceeded with his plan without asking for my permission.

When he closed the doors behind, we became visible again and he dropped me on the bed, carefully examining my physical state.

"Care to share?" He sat next to me.

"I couldn't communicate with him since the art show at the flagon."

"Him meaning Kelemvor." He nodded. "Go on."

"I thought he had abandoned me…"

"And you wanted to kill yourself because of it?"

"I've always lived but for him Sand… I don't want to _be_ without him."

"I see. Glad you're back to normal then, though it's a shame you're _that_ taken."

I smiled, and then burst into laughter. "Aren't you straight to the point!"

"Don't get all uncomfortable now. I am merely curious about you – not _that_ interested. I'm actually petrified at the idea of being physically involved with you – you're way too dangerous." He pushed a lock of hair out of his face and grinned.

"Well, if I wasn't madly in love with a god, I would certainly take care of you."

"Oh really?" He mused.

"You're the only decent person in my opinion Sand." I chuckled, but was sincere.

"I'm taking the compliment thank you. Now, I will leave you to rest dear. Try to be more careful with yourself, or next time I'll leave the paladin to take care of you… or the ranger."

"No I promise… thanks Sand."

He left gracefully, probably towards the library, and I finally slept with peace.

*******

I turned the page with trembling hands, feeling his continual touch through my hair.

"Go on, we'll speak later." He said.

We continued looking through the contents unhurriedly even if some of it was difficult for me to take in twice. The book ended when I fell unconscious after defeating the King of Shadow.

"Pppffffff. I would have never done it to his foot if it wasn't for them!" I grimaced.

"And you wanted to go there alone."

"I know. Didn't want them to die… but humor me;" I shifted a little; excited we were actually having a conversation without me being scared of waking up soon. "How come did I only get to see Ammon, and especially, why him?"

"What is your question?"

"I just asked it…" I said unsure.

"What is you question?" He repeated.

"Why…" I groaned, thinking about the whole story from the beginning. "It's unfair. I mean, I'm glad he's alive, really… but others were less… more pure than him."

"This isn't a question, but a statement."

"Mmmmmm… what happened to the others?"

"Ah. I will tell you later." He said and gave me the third book.

"The book of answers." I read with a sigh, forcing my curiosity to focus on the tome rather than my burning questions.

He shifted behind me, somehow shortening the already small distance between us, and placed his hand on the cover before I would open it. I felt like he was looking right through me although his masked features were somewhere behind, between my ear and hair. He was huge compared to me, and I wondered if I could dissolve into him. Or maybe he could absorb my essence easily.

"I am not a spirit eater." He mused. "And I don't think this is what you wish. So why are you thinking about it?"

"Mmmm… complex I guess."

"Would you feel better if I reduce my size?"

"…Maybe after the book?" I blushed, unsure what would happen if he were of an average human stature. "Why is it called the book of answers?"

"Because a lot of things were revealed."

"So it's about history rather than me?" I shrugged.

"It's about you retrieving the truth. It's very important and you may as well say you slapped some deities right on the face."

"Euhh, okay."

"Go on." His hand freed the cover so I could push it open.

*******

Casavir and Grobnar were lifeless while the rest of our companions carried them hurriedly towards the exit. The images changed to shadow Mulsantir, Lienna and Safiya's mother. After the three creatures dropped me to their mistresses, Ammon popped out of the portal as well, and as he told me, didn't last a second against the red dressed woman.

I was unconscious when they fastened me on the table and began the operation. Both were serious, though their hands shacked and it didn't help them work faster. From time to time, I would moan, but I mostly bit my lip till it bled. While they tried to take out the little piece of shard in me, I was dreaming.

I walked the streets calmly, looking around with curiosity and wondering where I was, till the memory of the last battle rose. My heart instantly shrieked heavily and I fell on my knees, pushing against it as if scared it would shatter within.

"What the…" I looked at my hands and saw blood flowing through them. The wound hurt more with each passing instant, but no sound could get out of me. I was too shocked and lost to understand exactly what was happening.

Someone's arms wrapped around me from behind and I was soon being carried. The man who took me was cold, and his closeness had nothing habitual about it. I unlocked my gaze from the wound and dizziness to peek at him, only to meet my own reflection in his helmet.

"Put… me down!" I ordered, but he didn't reply, so I tried to free myself from him. It was the most useless attempt of freedom, for my movements were slow and my body felt as if submerged in mud. "Let go! Let…" I was given to someone else, and as soon as I recognized the fabric and smell, I stopped arguing, relaxing immediately. Even the pain dissolved.

"How did you materialize here? Are you perhaps training in becoming a goddess without informing me?"

"No freaking… way." I murmured. "How do you want me to be close to you if… I'm a goddess?"

"I don't think anything can stop you from being close to me."

"Aside your own self." I mumbled.

"True, true. You're in my realm Nissan."

I opened my eyes with difficulty and clear disbelief, and looked at him properly. A tiny smile traced my lips and I sighed. "I finally died."

"I'm… sorry to disappoint you." He said. "You're very much alive, and this is why I'm surprised to find you here. Nevertheless, you have to return."

"No. I don't want to… we defeated him…" I moaned.

"Yes, but your path is not finished. You will come here in due time…" His voice sounded concerned under his mask, and it scared me.

I woke up in Okku's barrow to found the real blood and pain in my chest. From then, till the meeting with Myrkul and the founder, everything was detailed as usual.

Kaelyn was eyeing me strangely when we got back to Mulsantir and I could but feel sorry for our differences.

"I don't get it." She took me aside while we were resting. "You just don't fit the picture! You're all about justice, saving people and forgiving, yet you are a rogue… who worships Kelemvor and brandishes a bastard sword!"

"Kaelyn I'm _not_ assaulting my god's city." I said with exasperation.

"I understand, and respect your loyalty." She said. "But this is something I couldn't give him when I learned…"

"And your path led you to Ilmater, and that's fine." I helped her finish the sentence without mentioning the wall. The simple thought my soul was stuck in there chilled me to the bone. "Mine lies with him…"

"I'm sorry Nissan, but I can't follow you anymore. Our journey together ends now… I just hope we won't meet on the battlefield."

"I won't attack you if it happens." I shrugged.

"But _I_ will have to."

"And you won't, because I will not fight back and you can't kill in cold blood." I winked.

"You're impossible!" She shook her head. "And I'll miss you." I felt her svelte arms and fluffy wings around me for the last time, and responded to her embrace peacefully.

Since Gann chose to stay with Kaelyn, only Safiya and Okku remained with me. We went through Myrkul's temple, and into Kelemvor's city, where I had to locate the emplacement of my soul in the wall.

I was gazing at my own lifeless reflection in the wall when his hand connected with my shoulder.

"Fight to get it back, and don't worry if you're unsuccessful – I can't release you from Myrkul's curse, but I can free your soul by forcing it to reborn."

"I don't want to reborn." I managed to say although I was paralyzed. This time we were really at the same place during the same moment, and I wished to turn back and look at him properly, but things needed to be done first. My hand made its way slowly till it reached the tip of his fingers.

"And yet it's the only way out should you fail. I can't interfere more than that. Now get it back, and be ware for it won't let you do so easily." He stepped back, but kept watching the whole time.

I did not only take back my soul and freed myself from the curse, but released Akachi from it as well. Myrkul's evil deeds were over and I was finally boundless.

***

"Oh…" I gasped at the last image.

"It's a work in progress. Everything that happens from now on will be illustrated in this book, and once the pages will be filled, another one will be created for the purpose."

"I see…" I nodded while my gaze studied the mini-me on the page, which was doing the exact same movements while looking intently in her book. He took the tome smoothly from me and closed it. "So…" I continued, "Will you tell me what happened to my companions?"

"Yes." He simply answered.

I waited for the rest for some time, but since he stood quiet, I decided to go on. "When?"

"Not now. You have to ask other questions and reply to mine clearly before we will speak about your friends." He said without loosening his grip on me. I nodded in approval and waited. "So tell me; why is it that you are so worried of me since you arrived here?"

"Well…" I stopped for a second and thought about the real reason behind the excuses and shyness. "I think I'm scared to make something wrong and anger you."

"I understand. What if I told you I feared the possibility of you turning your back on me?"

"Impossible." I answered promptly. "I'd never even think of such."

"Then you have the answer to your own fears." He said.

"But… isn't my behavior silly at times?"

"Yes, very often. It doesn't mean it's something I don't respect and admire. You stand for what you believe in even in my world, and even if it often doesn't follow my rules."

"And you don't mind?"

"No. It's time for some changes. Tell me what else troubles you."

"You already know." I murmured.

"Yes, but I want to hear it."

I shifted uneasily while toying with the fabric of his robe. It was thick, yet light and soft on the skin. It resembled a complex merge between wool and silk of black and silvery shades, but I couldn't be exactly sure if the entire thing was really black or simply dark grey. The edge of its sleeves was ornamented with writings and runes, of which I didn't understand the meaning. I stretched it from right to left and up and down to see the pattern of the fibers, curious of how a god chose his clothing…

He swiftly moved me around and I ended up face to mask with him, sitting on his lap and held by his arms. Long silvery hair fell gracefully from both sides of his hood, matching the color of his still and serious face metallic face. "Since you can't say it, let me do it for you." He said. "You are against some of my most important principles, yet you understand and accept them because you love me. Your mind and heart are in constant struggle with every decision you have to make that concerns those principals, like earlier, when you took the boy and held your sword against my men. You followed your heart though you feared I would take it as rebellion and cast you out… tell me, how would you have felt towards me if Lathander's messenger hadn't shown up?"

I gazed at him with regret. "Probably infuriated… but I would have done as you asked."

"And you're ready to live with that?"

"Yes."

"I would say your mind rules over your heart by obeying your heart. It's quite interesting that your love for me is stronger than your faith in me."

"So that's my problem…" I sighed. "But I do have faith in you."

"You do, but not completely. If you didn't love me, you could be my worst enemy because I am not what you call justice."

"Is this why I didn't become a paladin?"

The sound he made betrayed the smile under his mask. "Your wish of being a paladin is always funny to me. Why do you need that title so much? Do you think it would have changed anything about your hatred for the punishments souls receive here?"

"I don't know."

"The answer is no. Now that we're clear you're in love with what you think is a monster, ask me your questions."

"I don't think that." I objected.

"Not in theory, but you think being sentenced for the wall is monstrous."

"Yes but… you didn't _create_ the wall…"

"Ah. So that clears me off the injustice?"

"Well… not in theory?" I tried. "I just need your point of view on all of this in order to understand and accept."

"Always so eager." He brushed my cheek and ears softly, forcing me to close my eyes and exhale. "So you're ready to trust me then?"

"Yes."

"Good." He connected my forehead with his and slid his fingers so I would close my eyes. What he showed me didn't last long, but it was enough to prove I was wrong to doubt in his righteousness. "You understand mortals can't acquire the entire truth for their own sake?" He asked me once the images had faded.

I shook my head in approval. "I shouldn't have doubted in that. Thank you for telling me."

"Whatever you need to know – just ask me instead of keeping it for yourself, which is futile anyhow."

"Right… then… can you tell me about my friends now?"

"Yes. Most of your companions are doing fine and follow their own path. You must know you are not stuck here Nissan – you can go back to visit your father or whomever you want for a short period of time. The knowledge you have though, you won't be able to share with anyone else, and should you try to, you simply won't be able to talk. Is that all right with you?"

"Yes but… wouldn't you mind if I leave like that?"

"For as long as you don't make me wait too much, no."

I hid my face between his neck and shoulder, inhaling his scent for the first time. "Oranges?" I backed away to look at him with a raised eyebrow.

He chuckled. "It's entirely your fault. I planted the tree for you and took care of it till you arrived."

"Thank you." I dropped my head again and continued scenting him, knowing he didn't need to look at me to notice the pink on my cheeks. "I'm sorry to have reacted badly concerning your laws… but it never changed what I feel."

"I know, but like I said, you put your own limits. It makes you feel insecure and prevents you from seeing the depths of my feelings for you. It also makes you think you're not worthy for me, which is the only real thing that angers me."

"It's not every day that a god returns the feelings of a mortal…" I mumbled.

"You made a change into that."

"Yes but, you said there is nothing human in being a god, so I thought you would refuse…"

"So I did say that, but you reminded me one rules better when one understands what he rules. It's not because I am a god that I don't learn, and I never denied any form of love. It's true yours is different."

"But…" the question was burning my lips, but they couldn't let it out.

"Limits again. You're not asking it because you don't believe it. Don't you have enough proof?"

"I do… I just don't understand why."

"You don't understand because you can't see yourself from my point of view. Would you like me to explain?" I shook my head eagerly and waited for him to continue. "Very well.

When a new soul is created, each god and goddess becomes aware of it. Later, we learn which one of us the soul chooses, or if it decides against the gods. When yours erupted from AO's life spread, I was immediately fascinated without knowing why and you quickly became the centre of my entire attention. I never influenced your path of faith, yet you surprised me by not only choosing my path, but also by choosing me. Like every human being, a soul has its aura, which we call the inner light that evolves with each experience. Yours has always shone brightly in my world and I can't stop thinking you were _made_ for me – or that _I_ was made for you. Whatever the answer, only AO knows."

His hand moved up and down my spine while the other played with my hair, leaving me breathless under his chin. No one had ever touched me so much, and coming from him the feeling was ecstatic.

"Each time you slept I was there." He continued. "Sometimes I didn't show myself to leave you alone a bit, though I knew you preferred to see me. I thought you would have taken a companion despite your desire of me…"

"It would have been wrong."

"Not at all. I had a mortal life once as well you know?"

I shrugged. "I didn't want anyone else."

"How about Sand?"

"Maybe, if I wasn't stuck on you." I backed away once again to take a look at him. "Why do you ask me that? You know I don't have regrets."

"Just curious how you'd react." He slid his gloved fingers on my face again and I shivered while wondering what his skin was like and how it would feel. "What if you don't like what you see?" He asked.

I chuckled. For once I wasn't the one sounding silly. "I don't care as long as I can touch something." I poked his metallic cheek.

"All right. Let me know if it's reasonable."

I felt my body going down a bit while he obviously reduced his massive shape. Once he was satisfied by it, he slowly took off his gloves and stroked my cheeks, neck and the skin down my arms. His hands were very pale, large and soft. They weren't cold or warm, but of neutral temperature. Though still much taller, it was easier for me to touch him as well. I waited patiently to see if he would take off his mask.

"Why don't you do it?" He asked me. "You know better than me what I look like."

"Are you sure?"

He took my hands and slid them on his mask till they reached the back of his head. Then, he made a pressure on them and slid them backwards, very slowly. The mask began disappearing and the first reviled part was his skin, pale white as his hands. Then his brows, cheeks, closed eyes, and finally, his nose and lips. His hair, eyebrows and eyelids were sliver at first, but they quickly changed to dark grey, then black. The moment he opened his eyes, they were white before changing to blue, green and then red.

"It's not orange right?"

"Not yet. That's red."

I saw a yellowish flow form in his irises and merge with the red. It became orange. "Is that correct."

"Yes, that's what you showed me in my dreams."

"I showed you what you were drawing. So, is it reasonable? I can change more."

"I want you the way you are." I insisted, approaching my face to his till the tip of my nose brushed against his ear. I knew humans didn't react the same way elves did, but it was still considered pleasant. My hands run on his hair as well, but my movements didn't show what I felt.

"You're restraining yourself." He said. "Don't." I just needed to hear that in order to explore more of him and give in completely. He didn't stop responding to and guiding my movements as well, till nothing else than him remained in my consciousness.

I woke up at some point, wrapped in the silky covers and lying on his chest. He was humming very softly, a melody I wasn't sure to recognize. I wondered for how long I had slept and if he had been awake the entire time.

His hand stroked me cheek and hair. "I don't sleep."

"True." I murmured. Something under me was rough and ticklish, and I had to fight against the covers to take it out. "My book!" I exclaimed and finally opened my eyes, only to be blinded by the bright sunlight. It took me a long minute before I realized it. "Sunlight?" I sat quickly and looked at the balcony.

"Yes. It's my new invention." He said mind-absently while pulling me back to him. "Everyday I will put up something creative and different, depending on my mood."

"Do I have something to do with that?" I asked.

"You have everything to do with that."

"Oh… so I should stay calm and keep you happy." I chuckled.

"Don't worry. I am merely painting."

"Painting?" I rose again and looked at him, then strode of to the balcony and gazed outside. The city was gray as usual, but the sky was turquoise and exposed an orange-yellowish sparkling globe. It made me think of an impression of sunrise, painted with oils on a cotton canvas. The colors around the globe motioned slowly, as if following a brush. "It's breath taking!" I exclaimed and returned to him. "How do you do it?"

"I just think about it." He smiled, and I couldn't resist cuddling deeper into him. "You're about to ask me something."

"Mmmm… yes true. Yesterday, the paladin said something about a title. I'm not sure I understand."

"Oh that. You're my new champion, meaning you represent me everywhere you go and to whomever you speak, even other divinities. Thus, your word is as good as mine."

"Ah… I thought I was promoted to paladin." I bluffed.

"Incredible." He replied with the same spirit.

"You know… I don't need anything of that sort right? I just want you."

"I know. But I also don't want anyone else standing for me than you, and you fit the profile perfectly."

"Whatever you want." I sighed and rested my head on its new spot between his neck and chin before I whispered, "I love you."

"It's too much of an honor." He mused, and then shivered when I bit his ear in a funny attempt of menace. "I love you too. Just let me get used to it before I would be declared the first god to literally die of a heart attack."

I chuckled and placed a kiss where I had bitten moments ago. I was finally home.

END 


End file.
